I’ve come to realize that In my 21 years of life that nothing feels more empowering than a woman cutting her hair. I know it sounds crazy that such a simple act could have such an impact on someone, but trust me it does. As women we are fed this idea that long hair equals beauty. For many Our hair is our pride, I say OUR because I am at times one of those women who takes pride in her hair. Being an African American woman,I know the power of “good long hair”. Since I was young my hair has always grown to shoulder length, it’s healthy,blows in the wind type of hair. I was feeling so over whelmed and stressed from life and all I could think about was going to chop off my hair. This wasn’t the first time I had cut my hair, I had done it before in high school, because circa 2008-2013 were years that the phenomenon came back in full force. But this time, it was different. I had no idea why but this act burdened my heart so much that I literally became obsession of cutting my hair. I must have looked at hundreds of pictures on Pinterest to find the perfect cut, did I want a bob, a pixie cut, or shave half the side of my hair. I remember waking up in the morning one day and not a thought about going to cut my hair was present, I woke up, got ready, and went to work. So by my surprise after work I found myself standing in a hair salon waiting to get seated to get a hair cut. As I explained to her the style I wanted, even pulled out some pictures, the lady kept asking me if I was sure. “You have such beautiful hair, you know I can just trim it and wash it for you.”
But I was adamant and I wanted my hair cut. So finally after convincing her and myself that this was what I wanted, it was time. As I sat in the chair, water dripping from my head I slowly felt strands of hair start to hit my shoulders. Sheer panic set in and I wanted to scream STOP! But it was too late, chunks of hair now gathered on the floor. As she styled and finished up I got to see myself in the mirror. Silence seemed to fill this small space. “Oh my gosh I love it” I lied. I HATED IT!!!!! First it was not what I wanted and she took off wayyyyyy too much. I payed and quickly left the establishment. As I walked to catch the bus I could feel tears start to burn the cornea of my eyes. And then I realized something. My head (not the outside) but my thoughts felt more clear. I felt the breeze of the wind refresh my mind. As crazy as it sounds I didn’t cut my hair just because, I did it for a purpose. I wouldn’t come to understand the purpose until weeks later. I’ve worn weaves,braids and extensions before and I have liked it because of the versatile of them. The issue I have now with them is that I was using weaves, braids and extensions for insecurity purposes. I always had some form or covering to hide my real hair. Not having those things now i can’t express how free I feel. How empowered I feel because for once in my life I feel like people see me, the real me. I’m not bashing anyone that wears extensions at all. If it makes you feel beautiful and amazing, then power to you. But for me, I have a new found love of my real hair. It takes a lot for someone to remove that security blanket, but once you do,oh boy no one can stop you. Because I didn’t have to focus on how bad my hair was, I started to find beauty not only in my hair but also the features around it. Yes my forehead is more present now but you know what people also see more of,my smile. Like India arie says In her song, I am not my hair. I know sometimes it may be hard to believe but trust me you are not just one part of you. YOU ARE NOT ONLY ONE PART OF YOURSELF. You have arms and hands and feet and ears and they come together to create you, this great being. Definitely after cutting my hair I have found a different form of how I define beauty for myself. If I ever have a daughter I hope to teach her about beauty, not society’s definition of what it should “look like” or “be” but true beauty, that one finds inside themselves.
It’s ok to let go
Letter to self
Dear Tendai,
You’ve made it through 2014,Congratulations. I am so proud and in awe of you. You are just this great being who is coming into her own. I love the person your becoming,I know it’s scary right now, but you got this. 2014 was a year of loss,expectance and finding yourself. I know your journey is far from over but you have come so far. So far from the girl who was scared of life,so far from the girl who wanted to please everyone and so far from home. As 2015 commences I just want you to continue to push forward, to grow and to love. The greatest thing about you is the love you have for life and people. No matter what never lose that zeal and light you hold. Your big heart will learn to let go but also learn that it’s ok to let people in. Don’t be scared of what’s ahead, welcome it with open arms and embrace it. I love you and I can’t wait to embark on this next journey with you. Hand in hand,heat in heart, I’m in this for another full year ahead,so please don’t bore me, kick some ass and let’s enjoy this adventure of another chapter of our lives.
Yours truly,
Tendai
Confessions of an Addict.
“You know your sexy as hell, and your body is like damn”.
Those worlds where all it took to betray not only my best friend but also myself. I lacked confidence,self esteem and just the will power to let a compliment go. Instead I held onto it, smothered it and used it to make myself feel better. In reality I was using it to cover up what was really inside.
I don’t blame him for saying those words, he’s a guy and those words come out so easily. He didn’t know the sweet words he let out actually chokes me like a poison. It entered my vains,bloodstream and heart. I yearned for more. Like a addict I kept going back for more. No matter how little or how long it took I wanted just one more hit of that compliment. I could feel my body explode with ecstasy as I read those words.
“Your sexy”
I let out a smile and then a laugh and I dove back into my addiction. Countless nights I stayed up thinking and planning a perfect future. Me as his wife with a family of our own. We would share stories about how life has been so good to us, and we would laugh about the times we thought we wouldn’t make it. I would stare at him asking myself how lucky i had gotten as he ranted on and on about the government. Politics always brought out his apathetic side. The passion in his voice made me want to hear more. But then he would turn to me and say “I’m sorry,honey”.
But I would just smile and laugh, because little did he know, that was how I would come to fall In love with him. But like any addict you come to know that after a hit comes hallucinations, and after hallucinations are done your back to wanting more. It’s a never ending battle that can’t be won.
tendiskyy 